Don’t Know How To Parent

It’s a tough place to be.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
Although I can’t turn around without someone telling me how to do it, that’s just not helpful.
It’s always condescending.
Always along the lines of Dex not having special needs, him just needing discipline.
Why would I need help if I could do it right.
Always bring brushed off.
Asking, begging for help because I just don’t want to be a mother right now please just take them for a night
And not hearing anything.
Bringing it up two weeks later when I still just needed one fucking night and being told well I know you’d never actually do anything to hurt them so it doesn’t matter.

Being so distant from your other half you don’t even know who they are or what they like anymore.
Not having a night with them in over 6 months.
Not having a proper conversation other than what bills should be paid or what groceries need buying because you’re either interrupted or just too fucking tired and burned out to do anything else.
Wishing you could change it but just not having the strength.
Wondering if your relationship will survive another year. Month. Week.

Waking up and loving them so so much but dreading having to do the same shit over and over. Feeling so fucking guilty because you’d just like a little break. A little help.
But no one else had help and they had more kids/less time/worked more and they survived.
Why shouldn’t we.
Why can’t I?

I feel like a failure and I just don’t know how to fix it.
I feel like I’m crazy.
Maybe the things I feel aren’t really there.
Maybe I don’t really need help and I’m just imagining it’s this hard.
Because if I really needed it, someone would help, wouldn’t they?

Good Night, Two Year Old

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Good night my little two year old.
Tomorrow you will wake and be three.
You will smile and clap and giggle at Easter eggs and presents.

You are a beautiful, bubbly, impatient, helpful, petulant,  intelligent tiny human being.

You are so petite that people are surprised When they hear you talk.
You speak so clearly and youhave a way with words.
You are so adorable it hurts.
Everywhere we go, you get comments on your blonde curls. Your smile. Your cheeky laugh.

It all went by in the blink of an eye.
When did you go from a tiny little baby in a hug-a-bub, keeping me awake at all hours to a little three year old as of tomorrow, that climbs into my bed in the middle of the night, voice all muddled with sleep asking for s snuggle and curling in against my stomach.
You still can curl up in the space where you were once held in my belly.
Seeing you like that, feeling you there, you’re still just a baby.
My beautiful, gorgeous, fantastic, impulsive, hilarious baby.

You just amaze me. Every day you say something new, do something new, something sweet.
You love your brother with all your heart and you would do anything for him, as much as he drives you to tears.

I can’t even say how much you complete my family baby girl.
And tomorrow, you’ll wake up my 3 year old. A new day. A new year. New journeys.
You’ll be in my arms as long as you fit, and even after that.

I love you.
Happy birthday.

20 Minute Dinner

Risotto. In the microwave. In 20 minutes.
No way?!
I’ll show you how!

Heaped tablespoon of butter – melt it in a microwave safe bowl – 30 secs
(Side note this fantastic container is a Tupperware winter range and freezer, oven and microwave proof – no I don’t sell it anymore)

Finely dice a medium sized onion.
Mix that in to the butter.
Microwave for a minute.

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Add a cup of Risotto rice to the butter and onion.
Microwave for another minute

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Add 3 cups of stock. I use vegetable.

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In the microwave for 10 minutes.
Meanwhile organise whatever it is you’re adding to your Risotto.
Tonight it is avocado and chicken so I dice the chicken and chuck it in a pan.

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Stir. Don’t drop the spoon.
Put on for another 8 minutes.

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Stir through 1/3 cup of grated parmesan cheese.
And anything else.
In this case a chicken breast diced and grilled and half an avocado sliced.

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Or like this one: roast pumpkin and mushroom

What will you add?

I Don’t Want a Fancy Garden

I can’t stand fancy gardens.
The more I see them, the more I just don’t understand.
They don’t serve any purpose.

Much the same as empty yards.
We have an empty back yard.
There are no plants in it at all.
I dislike it immensely – there is nowhere to hide and climb and explore.
One of my favorite things to do as a child was climb an old eucalyptus tree that grew in our garden. And then we’d trek through the ferns under the palms to the secret rock you could sit on and watch the back of the house through the birds of Paradise but not be seen by anyone if you were careful.
You could collect Bush lemons or pick wattle.
There were so many things to do and the block was not overly big -1000m2 which I think is just a little over average.
It was not a Fancy Garden and that’s what made it a perfect one.

I can’t really do anything to our yard. I’m sure my landlords would let me – they’re fine with veggie patches and chooks – but we just can’t justify spending a lot of money on a yard that’s not ours and realistically we’d like to own our own in the next 5 years or so.
It’s going to hurt enough that I’ll have to rebuild my veggie gardens somewhere else and what if the new people that live here don’t look after the ones here and I just don’t want to think about it.

I can’t build gardens but I can build patches.

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These are just jumbles of herbs and flowers and fruit and veggies.
Then my kids can see something new in each one.
And they’re probably a bit too packed but they’ll need fertilizer anyway so that’s not really an issue.
They’ll become layers of deliciousness and excitement to find new things.

There’s snow peas, brocoli, strawberries, lavender, lemon thyme, basil, mixed lettuce, violas, rosemary, nasturtiums, thyme, carrots and tomatoes.

I love seeing the kids faces when they find something ripe or new.

Also, these flowers? Totally edible. Chuck them in a salad.

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Isolated

That’s how I feel right now.
I am so over my children it is not funny.
They are testing every fucking boundary and I am not dealing with it very well at all.
Lola more so than Dex and I guess that’s an almost three year old thing but it’s not fun or funny.

I feel like I can’t do anything with them, nothing is ever done without an argument and I feel like I’m turning into a parent I don’t want to be because they just won’t.fucking.listen.
It’s harder at the moment because of my surgery I can’t pick her up.
I can’t physically put her anywhere.
Or remove her from a situation.
I can’t hold onto her to stop her running away or touching things she shouldn’t.

She’s not having a birthday party as of tonight because of how she’s behaving and I was looking forward to it.

I miss friends.
No one just drop in and visits.
I’m feeling sorry for myself and wondering if people even like my company because I feel I’m always the one trying to hang out with people.

I’m probably just overreacting because I feel useless at the moment.
And I don’t fit in my workplace.
I don’t do anything outside children.

I’m just in a hole.

A New Leaf

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I am motivated to change.
I feel like it’s been building up for a while. Trying to eat better.
Getting involved with a local farm where you can work for produce.
Growing a (small) veggie garden last season.
But I want to do more.

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This will house a couple of chickens (to be let out during the day) for eggs and food scraps

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That corner will have another veggie patch – it will be made of besablocks so the holes can have marigolds to keep the bugs away

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These are herbs and edible flowers

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This is waiting for more plants :)
The top photo is our tomatoes which reseeded themselves and our heirloom carrots.

I want a tea garden. And I want to grow all our veggies

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With these I’m going to try and do the dirtless root veggies – potato, sweet potato and yakon.
I just want my kids to grow up knowing what real food is and where it comes from.
I want to to be fun and I want them to understand the feeling of eating something they’ve grown.

I don’t want to rely on supermarkets.

I want my money to stay local.

Things You Won’t Think of Before Getting a Boob Job

There are things I thought I had considered but didn’t really. There were things I hadn’t considered at all.
So I thought I’d write them down for you.
Not to scare you, because honestly I’m so glad I got them done.
The things I should have thought more about:
1. Food. I made food for the week I was away. I can’t cook. It hurts to lift the frying pan. I can’t put things in the microwave because you’re not allowed to lift your arms above head height. I can’t reach the high bowls, mugs. The coffee was housed in a higher cupboard. The kettle was too heavy at the awkward angle.
A MOTHER WHO CAN’T HAVE HER COFFEE
2. Driving. I knew I wouldn’t be able to drive for a weekish.
I have a manual. I’m 10 days post op now and I’m deciding to still not drive. I have and it hurts.

Things I didn’t think about at all:
* cleaning. You can’t. You can’t scrub pots. You can’t vacuum, wipe down tables – fucking sucks. I know it sounds like heaven but you have a 2yo and a 4yo running around shit gets dirty. Very dirty. I’m not going to lie I have actually put the vacuum cleaner between my legs (think the classic image of witch riding a broom except if the broom bit was at the front) and I squeezed my legs tight and walked around like that to attempt some form of vacuuming.
* groceries.  Nope. Trolleys are too heavy and awkward. You can’t carry the bags.
* going out in public with children who know you’re physically diminished. Ohmygod. Just don’t.  You can’t run. You can’t confine them to a trolley because the trolley is too heavy. You can’t (gently) drag them back to you because your arms aren’t strong enough. Unless you’re ready to bribe with juice and donuts I recommend you stay at home.
*you can’t pick your children up. This has hit me on more than one level. My children know I cannot pick them up to put them in their room or remove them from a situation they are in that they shouldn’t be. I have never had them test their limits so much. But the big one is I can’t pick them up to snuggle them. To carry their sleepy bodies to bed. To comfort them. I’m certain my children are acting out so much because they just want so much for me to pick them up and hold them.

The last thing I didn’t expect is how useless I feel. Not cooking or cleaning or driving – sounds amazing right? But it’s not. TD comes home and does everything and I feel in the way and hopeless and I don’t like it – I’m not that kind of person. I can’t wait to be able to be independent again.

Overall I am definitely not regretting it. But I probably would have planned it better had I known – which is why I’m telling you ;)