So. I recently discovered that I am 17kg lighter than I was one week after having Dexter. And yes, there has been another baby in between that, making this feat oh so much more impressive.
Because it is SO impressive, I thought I would share with you my top 10 tips on losing the baby weight
10. Breastfeed. Constantly. Don’t use dummies, use your boob instead. Sure, they’ll be saggy by the end of it, but think of all the fat they are drinking up from you.
9. Have clingy children. Children that don’t want to be put down. Ever. Carrying all that extra weight around is sure to burn those carbs off quickly. Especially if you’re carrying extra extra weight.
8. Have them close together. Because there is no better excersize that chasing a toddler around the shopping centre while trying to breastfeed a newborn. True story.
7. Make yourself full cups of coffee, but get distracted and end up only drinking half of it because it’s cold and disgusting and the milk has done that thing where the top of the coffee gets a little white bit in the middle. Half the coffee – half the kilojoules.
6. Make really delicious food and make sure you tell your other half about it. It will be gone before you eventually wrangle the kids into bed and have the chance to sit down and savour it.
5. Stop buying chips, biscuits and chocolate. because lets face it the kids just eat it on you anyway – they have some super sensor and can sniff it out a kilometer away. They can be out to the world and as soon as you even think about chocolate, they are awake saying “I want chocolate too Mummy!”
4. Stop eating. You won’t have time to anyway. When you do eat, just shove in that banana or that tin of tuna because you need something that will fill you up until your next chance to cram something in your mouth.
3. Be super
stingy frugal and load all meals full of veggies to bulk it up. This is super effective with quiche and spaghetti bolegnaise and will get your toddler to have his daily requirements, while you are chock full of nutritional goodness.
2. Continue being
stingy frugal and don’t put petrol in your car so you have to walk everywhere. Carrying the baby, because who the hell would want to go in a pram anyways? Thank god for baby wearing
1. Stupidly show your children just how much fun aeroplanes is. You know, where you balance them on your feet while you lay on your back and your legs are in the air. THEN let them figure out just how much fun it is when you lift them up and down. 17kg isn’t much of a leg press, but when you’re doing that all day every day, you notice the difference! Couple this with arm lifts for the baby (remember, you had them close together and you don’t want baby to be left out!) and you will have guns of steel in NO time.
Oh and a free tip – only have enough money to afford the coffee part of the cake and coffee deal when you go out.
This is just for fun. shits and giggles. I am in no way advising that this is a healthy or safe way to lose weight. If you do have a weight problem, see your Doctor. If you have a problem with this post, please grow up