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It feels like everything is hard these days.
I’m sick still. And I’m so tired.

With these two things, my clean eating has gone right out the window.
Because it’s hard. It takes preparation and dedication and time.
All things I don’t feel like I have right now.

Blogging is hard.
My brain is foggy from needing sleep and too many antibiotics.
I don’t know what to write about that you want to read.

Adding cardio to my workouts is hard.
I just don’t enjoy it.
I’m trying to find a bike trailer for the kids so that most days other than personal training days (and leg days!) I can ride my bike into town, kids in tow.
Finding one of these is hard.
Finding the money for this is hard.

My business didn’t work. That is hard.
After all the time I put into it, doing research that said people wanted it and knowing that they really just wanted somewhere to play for free – the is hard.
Having people who know nothing about business telling me where I went wrong, is hard.
The debt this leaves us with is hard.

Having to cancel my engagement party is hard.
And sad.(Not because there is a problem with TD and I – it’s a family issues kind of thing)

Getting to the gym is hard.
There are a million other things I’d rather do.
Like sleep. A million sleeps.

Parenting the kids is hard.
They are so full of life and bounce that is just escapes them as noise going 1000 miles an hour and I just get so tired of it.
I just want a sleep.

There is no one to help us and that is hard.
My Mum had a double knee replacement on Wednesday and that is hard.Tattoodaddy is keepign the house spotless and to me, this is very hard. I have to try very hard to not take it as a personal insult as I know it’s not one. I know he is helping me because I feel horrid and I’m trying to do my course. But it means I feel like I’m failing in my  “duties” and that is hard.

Ultimately I know my kids are happy and fed.
I know I will get better.
I know that another opportunity will arise and I am actively working toward this.

Right now though, it’s just so hard.

But I can do hard things.
*penis joke*

Often I forget to call him and he is booked out.
This makes me sad. My doctor once complimented me on my recent weight loss and told me that I should have a chat to his wife. He is hilarious.

Another time, he asked how my *ahem* monthlies were going after having the implanon taken out as they were pretty much constant spotting. I told him they were great, regular. And he was like “Oh, I’m so happy for you! My wife, once she had the depo needle and period of 3 months. I say “What is the point of contraception if we have no sex?” She didn’t get it again.”

As much as I enjoy my Doctor visits, I do wish I could book online. No one has time to make a phone call with screaming kids.
Between Dexter whining about wanting something to eat and Lola repeatedly saying “Excuse me, I love you” (yes, it IS cute the first 20 times of the day) it would be so much easier to go online and click what appointment I want and done.

That’s where 

Comes in.
So we (the bookee? User?) customer just go online and book. You can book your specific doctor. If your doctor doesn’t HAVE the service, you send them an email saying you demand they evolve into online bookings (but it’s worded much nicer than that) and they sign up. It integrates into their systems.
If they choose not to sign up (which is silly) then you can find a new Doctor on there.

Or you can find a dentist.
Or, if you’re on holidays, a chemist open late because you’ve been bitten by 100,000 midgies and those bites fucking suck.

And First Available love you guys so much, they are doing a giveaway.
This is where the giveaway part comes in.

YOU CLICK ON THIS LINK

And you register.
You have the chance to win a 12 month private health care membership paid for you just for registering.
And registering is free.
And it will always be free.

I wish I had a free private healthcare membership.
Then I could go to the dentist instead of waiting 3 weeks to get my tooth fixed

And yes, I go in the draw to win stuff based on the amount of people who sign up using my unique link.
It is a competition for me as much as it is for you.

I feel sick. I’m so bloated I look pregnant.

Exhibit A:

Also, I need to clean my mirror

Happy Mother’s Day! Look like you’re having a baby!
I’m going to go to the gym and they’ll be like ohhhh I had no idea! That’s so exciting – when are you due?!
And I’ll be like look, It’s the antibiotics. And right now, I am not in the mood because I think I need to fart, but I can’t trust my farts thanks to the antibiotics.

And no, I will not be doing squats today.

I also kinda hate myself.
Why am I being so annoying?
Why am I still making egg white omelets and eating wholemeal grains and tuna with rice cakes and not too much fruit? Fat free pro-biotic yogurt?
Man, Just writing it down makes me feel like a douche.

Part of me is like “YOU’RE SICK! JUST EAT ALL THE FUCKING CHOCOLATE AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT BEING MISERABLE!”
And then the other, louder side of my brain kicks in and is like “Jessica, don’t you dare! Do you know how many burpees you will have to do to get rid of that chocolate?! Do you know how far you will have to run?” It may or may not be said in my sister’s voice, but hey. Whatever works!

 And yes, I did eat half a block of chocolate the other day. And yes, I felt sick afterwards. And no, I didn’t really enjoy it after the first 2 squares and when I looked down and half a block was gone I was life WTF?! How did that even happen?!!

My trainer (who from now on we will call Superman because a) he looks a bit like Clark Kent with his glasses on b) he’s super at getting results and c) I feel a little bit like a dog in a circus ring when I say trainer) is trying to trick me, I’m certain of it.
I told him I felt like eating lollies but I got dried pineapple instead. He was like “Just eat the lollies” and instantly, Admiral Akbar popped into my brain and shouted

“IT’S A TRAP!”

My mum had always been big.
I never really noticed it as a child. She was cuddly. Comfortable. Comforting.
I noticed it more as I got older. I had another kid point and laugh at her once. I was embarrassed and I felt terrible for her and for me but I never said anything to either of them.
I remember my Dad used to tell her she was fat.
The most memorable of these moments was when he drew a line in pen on her thigh and wobbled it, to see how far it moved.
(I must point out my father has never been intentionally nasty. He sincerely believed that he was helping by pointing out her flaws. Definitely needed some education on dealing with women.)

Mum would go on diets. I remember them. Jenny Craig. That pill that makes you physically ill when you eat “bad” food.
We ate terribly. The fish and chips shop new us by name. We had sausages a lot.
My mum did what she could.
She never had a good role model as a child and with four of us, time was prime.
As I got older, it was motivation. She has arthritis very bad. I didn’t want to get like that.
Then she had ridiculously high blood pressure.
I got angry. I have children that I wanted to grow up with their beautiful grandmother. Didn’t she Care?!

I have blood pressure issues too and once again it motivated me. I didn’t want to put my children through the worry.

My mum witnessed my sisters and I getting fit.
Something must have clicked.
She wanted to be healthy and she wanted to do it for her.
She booked in to get her double knee replacement.
She started going to the gym.
She was making better choices for us and in turn making better choices for herself. She once again became motivation, but not because I didn’t want to end up like that, because so much, I want to be like that.

She is an amazing woman.
So much strength and determination.

So much heart.

She has turned her life around. She has shown everyone that anything can be turned around.

She has shown that determination is everything.

I have always loved my mum. She healed my cuts and listened to my stories. She comforted me. She was my rock. She defended me. She loved me unconditionally.

But now. Now she loves herself and I can see it.
She always put everyone else before her.
Now she’s putting herself first.
It’s not that she’s losing weight.
It’s that she’s realizing she is worth it. She is worth making the effort for. And she’s doing it.
And I love her for it.she has always been an inspiration in how to put your children first. On How to Love unconditionally. And now she is showing how to love yourself.
She is an inspiration.

She is my mum.
And I am so lucky.
I love her.

There was a little girl standing a little way away.
She was close enough that she could here us.
Dex told me her name. She looked a little lost.
A little bewildered.
She wandered away a little.
Wandered back.

Burst into tears, ran over and threw her arms around me.
Her sobs were heartwrenching.
She was clearly very upset. She wanted her Mummy. Her mummy was gone.

I put my arms around her and I cuddled her. I told her it was okay, her mummy would come back after work.
I patted her back.

And the whole time, I felt completely awkward.
Not because I was comforting a crying child, but because I didn’t know how the daycare teachers would react when they saw me cuddling a child that wasn’t mine.
How the parents would react when they saw me cuddling a child that wasn’t mine.

I cuddled her and I scanned the teachers. They were all helping other children or saying goodbye to parents.
I sent Dex to get one for this poor little girl and still I worried – what would they say?
Had I done the wrong thing?
Would that little girl’s mother think I had done the wrong thing?

I don’t believe I did the wrong thing.
That poor little girl was lost and alone and needed comfort.
I couldn’t just turn her away and hurt her even more. I would have been scared I would crush her tiny spirit.

I hope if Dex or Lola ever does that at daycare, they would receive a cuddle too.
But it makes me sad because they probably won’t.
Everyone is so scared of repercussions, legal obligations.
It makes me sad because I felt bad for that little girl, I felt like I shouldn’t have been hugging her and it was all she needed.

After about 2 minutes, she loosened her grip and took my hand.
I suggested we go and paint her mummy a picture. And she nodded.
We walked over to the paint stand and I handed her to one of the teachers. I explained what had happened and they said thank you, knelt down and asked her if she wanted to paint.
She smiled and nodded.
Just like that, all was fine again.

Would you have cuddled her? Did I do the right thing?

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I fucking hate those words.
“Just do what you want.”

It never means that.
It either means a) You’ll do whatever you fucking please so why are you even asking? B) I don’t give a shit. c) I don’t like any option you’ve given me, so whatever. Or in my personal experience: D) I’m busy trying to play my game so I don’t have time right now to talk about something so do whatever.

We had some money sitting in our account.
Not a lot by a long shot – but enough that I didn’t want it to just get spent on shit.
So I said last night, okay, what are we paying off?
He said “Do whatever you want.”
And so I did.

Now this morning, he has looked at the account and said “So, how is the car coming out? Have we paid this bill and that bill?”

And I’m like FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKWhy could you not have taken two seconds to say that last night?

I do not handle the finances in our household, and for good reason.
I don’t want to.
Of COURSE I have access to the accounts – I don’t mean that.
I pay the rent and one other bill and that’s about it. Because it’s too much for me to care about.
And when I do, it seems I stuff up. But I am totally not responsible for this one.

What is the worst stuff up you’ve made when you were told “Do whatever you want”?

Don’t get me wrong.
It’s not like I’m not going to appreciate the box and card I am going to get off Dex and Lola. (And I know I’m getting a box and a card – he told me).
It’s more…

When I was little, I was convinced Mums were the luckiest people ever!
I mean, they got their own day!
AND a birthday!!

I know dads had Father’s Day, but it wasn’t really that special in my eyes.
We were told to leave him alone and let him sleep – like we always were. And then he got up late and went fishing because he deserved some “me” time – like he always did.

But Mother’s days – WOW!
She was so lucky.
We would make her breakfast in bed – which was always toast that went cold so the butter was thick and white.
Of course it had gone cold because we would argue about who got to butter it – loudly.
And then, we would take it in to her, with a half full, half cold cup of tea and dump it on her lap in bed.
Crumbs everywhere.
Tea everywhere.
And she would smile and say thank you.
Tell us how amazingly we’d done.
Now lets quickly go the the kitchen before we wake Daddy up, because he’ll get cranky if there is crumbs in the bed.

We would give her pot pouri. And lavender soap.
How much Pot pouri can one person have?
If you run a Mother’s Day stall at a primary school – do NOT sell it.

Our primary school had donations for the Mother’s Day stall.
I’m pretty certain I bought Mum the same vase 3 years in a row.

And now, I’m the one getting the early wake up because it’s Mother’s day.And the painted box.
And the card with glitter falling all through my bed as it’s eagerly thrust into my half asleep face.
Not that I’m complaining – it will be beautiful.
But I said to tattoodaddy this morning -

It’s Mother’s Day on Sunday.
Which received a:Yeah?
Me: Well, I want a sleep in…

And he replied – I’m, not the one you have to convince.

And sadly, I think he’s right.

*This is not and should not be used as YOUR training plan. This is my training plan and diet, as developed by my personal trainer. I DO NOT recommend you do this without first consulting a reputable trainer. This is merely me sharing what I do, like you asked.*

Please, don’t think I am implying I am excellent. This is what I use to remind myself to keep going, in hopes one day I may be excellent at what I do.

I have a love/hate relationship with lifting weights. I love the way it makes me look. I love the way it makes me feel when I complete a set. I love the feeling of accomplishment that comes with lifting a weight that you thought you could not physically lift.
I hate aspects of myself that come out when I’m lifting. I don’t hate the activity, I hate my lack of confidence to be able to complete what I set out to do.
I hate that sometimes, I can’t do it right.
I hate that I can sometimes feel that I’m doing it wrong and that frustrates me. Because I do think excellence is habit.

I did tenpin bowling competitively for 12 years. I have been to development camps and a gym session at the NTIS to show exactly what exercises I should have been doing. I was once 4th in Australia in Junior girls. Then, I could feel what I was doing wrong. I knew my body and the motion so well that I could correct it.

Now this is new and that frustrates me. But excellence is a habit, not an act and I will get there.

A lot of women seem to think that if they pick up weights, they will turn into a she-hulk. But realistically, it is very hard to get to that stage. And it is very unlikely you will ever get there, unless that’s what you want. Lifting weights is the best way to burn fat because the muscles keep going long after you have finished working out as opposed to cardio, which pretty much stops once you’ve stopped (with the exception of certain things). Lifting weights is the easiest way to lose fat – in my opinion.

I never focused on weight loss. I DID focus on body fat %. Which to me is more important. My weight was acceptable – my fat was not.

My average meals for a day are as follows:

Upon waking: 1/2 mandarin or 5 strawberries.Breakfast: Coffee with light milk, 1 sugar, 1/3 – 1/2 cup oats (porridge) with scoop vanilla protein powder.
10am: Either Anabolic Injection (post workout drink) or tin of mango chilli or lime/chilli tuna on 2 rice crackers with baby spinach
1pm (lunch) salad with grilled chicken, avocado, roast beetroot, roast pumpkin, grilled cherry tomatoes OR homemade chicken burger on wholemeal bun w/ grilled chicken.
4pm Protein shake or tin of mango chilli or lime/chilli tuna on 2 rice crackers with baby spinach
7pm (dinner) basically any lean meat, cooked (grilled or (baked). Sometimes it’s fish with lemongrass, lime and ginger. Sometimes it’s cajun chicken. Sometimes it’s San Choi Bao. Dinner is pretty much whatever I feel like as long as the carbs are brown and the veggies are plentiful.

My workouts:

Monday: Leg Day
Gym, 5min warmup @6km p/h 5% incline
3 x 10 20kg squats
3 x 10 15 kg squats
3 x 10 12.5kg squats

3 x 10 40 kg seated squat machine

3 x 10 40lb leg extension supersetted with
3 x 10 65lb hamstring curls

Ab blast – 2 x 15 sit ups, 2 x 10 each side side sit ups. 1 minute bridge, stepping feet for lower obliques
20 pushups

Tuesday: Rest day.
Abs – 2 x 15 sit ups, 2 x 10 each side side sit ups

Wednesday:  Chest

5 min warmup @ 6km p/h 5% incline
3 x 10 20kg bench press
3 x 10 5kg incline flys
3 x 10 horizontal (laying on a bench) flys
3 x 10 wide pushups supersetted with 10 diamond pushups
3 x 10 40lb chest press
3 x 10 (? weight – forgot to check) peck deck.

Thursday:

Back/shoulders
5 min warmup @6km p/h 5% incline
15 min HIIT up to 12km p/h 2% incline

2 x 10 1 x 7 – 40kg deadlifts.
3 x 12 27kg lat pulls
3 x 12 (? Weight) rear delt flys

Friday -
Nothing. Which isn’t normal, I was aiming to go for a 3km run but it was a release day for my shop so we had customers turning up all day!

Saturday:

5 min warm up 6km p/h/ @ 5% incline
20 min HIIT 2 min on 1 off @ 2% incline 11.3km p/h

3 x 10 30kg squat machine
3 x 10 40kg squat machine
3 x 10 65lb double pump hamstring curls supersetted with
3 x 10 40lb? double pump leg extensions.
10 min bike ride cool down

Sunday: Biceps and Triceps

Warm up: 5 mins @ 5% incline 6km p/h
3 x 10 7kg bicep curls
3 x 10 5kg banana curls
3 x 10 27kg tricep extensions supersetted with
3 x 10 sets pushups
3 x 10 6kg kickbacks
3 x 10 5kg overhead tricep extension things
3 x ( 4 x 10) 10kg bicep curls with bar. 10 at 5% lift, 10 @ 25 % 10 @ 50% 10 @ 100% lift.
2 x 15 situps with 10 side situps each side (70 total)

3 x 10 15kg squats
Warm down walk 5 min @ 5% incline, 5.5kmb p/h

It looks like a lot.
And it probably is. But it doesn’t feel like a lot. I don’t spend more than 1 – 1 1/2 hours at the gym on any given day. It gets easy once you start.
I treat it as an escape and I’m in love.

Lately I’ve been a little unmotivated.
A little uninspired.

I’ve been focusing too much on how I feel at the moment – tired, sore, cranky, bitchy. Overwhelmed and frustrated that my plans aren’t… well, going to plan.
None of this has helped my life progress in the last 4 weeks.
Dwelling does no one good.
I made that picture to remind me to push forward constantly.

I have realised I am a very competitive person.
The ASN 10 week challenge really helped me push myself.
It gave me something to work for.
A reason to work.

And now I have to create that reason.
I have to be the motivation.

I’ve been focusing on the goals I have already reached, instead of the new goals.

To be honest, I haven’t physically written down my new goals.
And I read somewhere that goals not written down are just hopes.

So, I should probably do something about that.
Here we go:

• Drop weight to 60kg to reduce my body fat %. I am aiming at 17% body fat, which is 3% lower than I am now.
• Once at 60kg – work on building back up muscle wise.
• Deadlift 80kg.
• Run 8km.

And some personal goals:

• Get a job I enjoy that can progress into a career I love.
• Complete my Cert III in Fitness in 6 months and start my Cert IV
• Breast augmentation by Christmas

I know I will be able to run 8kms soon. I am giving myself a month to reach this goal. June 1 is a Saturday and that is the day I will do my run. If I don’t complete it beforehand.

What are your goals? I’d love to hear them!

It is hard to take a photo of porridge and make it look delicious.

Anyways…

I have this every morning I don’t have my easy omelet.
This is even easier than that recipe.

Ingredients
1/2 cup oats (your preference)
1 scoop protein powder (I use Giant Delicious Protein Powder from ASN)
Frozen berries.

Method
Prepare oats – I recommend just using water instead of milk as the protein powder makes it super creamy – mine takes 2 mins in the microwave.
Make sure it’s a little watery, add more water if needed.
Tip in scoop of protein powder. Stir well so it is fully mixed.
Top with berries and enjoy!

I don’t top it with berries every day.
I do maybe once a week because it feels a little fancy