Open letter to The Helpfuls

Dear Person who clearly thinks I’m not capable of parenting my child,

I appreciate your concern that my child is obviously distressed. I’m not deaf. I can hear her screaming like an alley cat. I’m just choosing to ignore it. Why? Because I know she is making that noise because she is tired. I also know that it will stop in approx three minutes when she goes to sleep. That is her protest cry.

And Don’t tell me to give her a dummy. We tried that. She woke up every forty minutes getting me to put it back in, which led to my toddler eating peanut butter on weetbix every meal because I was too sleep deprived to muster up anything more nutritious.

I know you think that because you parented a child back when we still had pet dinosaurs, you know better than this young, tattooed Mummy who is not comforting her child. But please, when you say “OH she’s hungry!” and I reply “no, she’s actually tired” refrain from insulting me and my parenting by repeating She’s hungry. With the knowing nod and look. I might have to give her to you to try and feed. And when she doesn’t want to eat I’ll be there with a giant told you so look on my young, inexperienced mummy face.

Don’t look so shocked that she’s wearing a cloth nappy. Yes, there are those of us who still use them. Don’t try and cover up this shock by saying “They don’t make them how they used to!” No, you’re right, they don’t. It’s called advances in technology and thank Ford for it.

This is also probably the appropriate time to tell you that I know when my child is cold. She turns purple. (Kidding!). That noise she’s making? She’s just having a chat. Trying to get my attention, because I’m currently trying to pry my toddler away from the confectionary stand.

Speaking of my toddler. Yes, he says No! a lot. And occasionally he throws tantrums. To be honest, I’m actually jealous that he can throw the tantrums he does because most of the time they are for valid reasons. Like not being able to eat as much chocolate as he wants. I wish I could eat as much chocolate as I wanted. But I can’t. So he’ll tanty for the both of us.

BUT when I am reprimanding him for his behaviour DO NOT say to me “boys will be boys” with that same look of knowing. Yes, I get it. Boys will be boys – because they have penises. A penis does not mean you can misbehave in public (or at home). All it means is that you stand to pee.

Thanks for listening, I’m sure you appreciate me clearing this up for you.