External Study. No Words.

It is ironic that I cannot find the words to convey how I feel about external study, considering one of my units is written communication.

External study is… just doing my head in. Seriously.
I did not expect it to be so hard!
It’s (obviously) not like going to a class and they say right, here’s this, this and this. Do that each week, keep a record of it, go over it occasionally and you will do well.

You just get thrown in, right at the deep end.
And you get given readings that you cannot print out!
I am someone who needs to print out what I’m reading so I can highlight and absorb the topic.
On the computer, words just meld into each other - maybe I should get my eyes tested…

And I’m still SO.FUCKING.TIRED.
I expected that with the kids in daycare full time, I would not be tired, I would be dandy – but I’m not!
They still get up early. They still get up during the night.
Granted, I don’t have the task of entertaining them throughout the day anymore, but now during the day my brain is occupied with trying to concentrate on the topic I’m reading about, instead of why the hell the author has thrown in so many big, unnecessary words.
I mean seriously, I understand you probably had a word count to reach but far out. My brain has not been used very often in the last three years and now I have to deal with this? Woe is me.

Another thing I’m struggling with is for so long,t he computer has been a little escape haven for me.
I am used to sitting down, catching little bits here and there. News articles, blogs, facebook, tweets. Very rarely do I read an article that takes longer than 5 minutes. There are just better things I could be doing with my time.
And now, I am expected to sit down and not only concentrate, but do it for an extended period of time – daily!

Don’t get me wrong.
I did not think it would be a walk in the park.
I did not want it to be a walk in the park.
I just did not think it would be so tedious.

And holy shit – don’t even get me started on referencing.

I Always Said

I always said that my children wouldn’t watch too much T.V.
I wouldn’t smack them unless it was definitely the only option.
I wouldn’t bribe them with food to shut up for 5 minutes.
I would read at least 2 books a day to them.

I didn’t have them for someone else to raise.

And yet, here I am.

Tomorrow they both start daycare full time.
I start Uni full time. And while I know this is admirable and accepted, I still feel as though I am fobbing them off.
Why?
Because I am thinking how wonderful it will be to have a clean floor- The. Whole. Day.
How wonderful it will be to have a cup of hot tea.
How wonderful it will be to be able to sit down without having two little people climbing on me the second I do.

But.
I know I will miss them.
I will miss everything.
That’s how I know I’m a good mother.
I’m doing it for all of us, them and me.

Even though I know it will hurt.Image